I was so glad when Xmas and New Years Eve were over and at last it was 2012. Xmas was present free ( giving and receiving ) which was sensible but a tad sad . I like wrapping. And New Years Eve was party free.
Neither was miserable though it sounds like they could have been , " present free and party free" don't sound very Jingle Bells and Auld Lang Zyne !
2011 felt like I had been wearing the same old coat day in and day out for too long, dull and heavy and on January 2nd I cast it off and decided to wear a smart, bright, light new one. Metaphorically speaking of course ! On January 2nd in reality I wore pyjamas all day ( again ) and watched TV and Made Plans. More of the plans later.
So the festive season came and went and so did 4 pounds avoirdupois which came from nowhere, well not nowhere exactly..... Xmas pudding is the BEST part of any festival I know but those lollopy bits around the top of my jeans came and have not went anywhere ......
This year I did not have a single Resolution. I have a tiny little leather bound book from Smythson, where Samantha Cameron works part time, how posh can one get !.... which says on its cover in real genuine Gold leaf " New Year Resolutions " . This year I looked inside where I had written those broken vows and did not bother to write in it.
I decided that a period of Very Serious Reflection was called for. So on January 3rd I headed off to a most special place, my refuge, for a 5 day long retreat called Lamrin which is a series of 21 meditations. What it feels like now is that I have been hooked up to an intravenous wisdom drip !
Before I went on a retreat ever, I had thought that one stopped engaging with the world and in my mind it was a fun free, conversation free , nice food free, flight from reality. In other words - A retreat. Which word conjures up an image of fleeing from something. Or perhaps going back...... when an army retreats that conjures up in the mind, a failure of some kind, a going backwards , certainly not a going forward positive situation.
Quite wrong ! These retreats are lots of fun ( laughter = fun , right ? ) and absolutely full of wonderful, meaningful, interesting conversation. Just not before 1pm !
And far from retreating, it is actually going to........ in this case, the path to Enlightenment !
Except it takes a tad longer than 5 days to achieve Buddhahood !
I can now sit still, utterly and completely still for as long as needs be. First step to controlling the mind, is controlling the body ! My body long since lost the ability to go into the Lotus position, if indeed it ever had it and so I, along with the majority sit on a chair . Legs are not crossed because that would twist the spine and then the energy wouldn't flow properly ,which makes sense , and both feet should be on the floor, simply to stay grounded. The idea is to be alert and yet comfortable and relaxed. This was a hard core retreat, 7 hours a day in the meditation room, with breaks for cups of tea and biscuits. There was silence until 1pm each day, when we had lunch and asked each other " how was it for you ? ", for all the world like anxious lovers . And sometimes , the earth had moved ! A huge life transforming insight or aha moment is as exciting , and less fleeting, than an orgasm!
To the uninitiated , it sounds like some happy clappy new agey transcendental George Harrison and Harri Krishna type past time ! At least that is what I used to think ! And by the looks that I get when I announce where I am off to, it is clear to see that I am regarded as perhaps a little odd . Why wouldn't I just want to go to Tenerife for 4 days ! Or to a health farm and get thin and detoxed. A cruise is what you need I am told ! In reality it is the most logical and practical way to get a set of tools to use in daily life in order to just be happier. And who doesn't want to be happy, or happier ?
There it is, right there, the thing that unites all people. We all want to suffer less and be happy more.
Perfect peace and serenity might take some practise and a little longer than a week, but a good look at our own mind in peace and stillness shows us the way. Isn't that amazing ! All those ancient Eastern religions and philosophy and their practises turn out to be just as relevant and effective in our modern Western world.
This retreat was my Xmas/Chanuka/ New Year gift to myself and it is the gift that keeps on giving.
I now sound like a very bull-shitty and corny advert !
Years ago, in 2002, I did a different kind of retreat, a properly silent, all day and every day silent retreat. Absolutely no prayers were involved , except when hanging off a wire suspended over the sea and some sharp looking rocks 60 feet below. It was all quite scary and done in the name of Self Development . I ate carrots and porridge and recorded all my thoughts and emotions in a loose leaf folder which I carried everywhere, Each day started with a run over rutted fields which I thought of as purgatory. And from then on the days got worse ! We submitted ourselves to a routine of mental, physical and emotional challenges and there was no whingeing because there was no talking ! Silence is an amazing thing, it allows one to feel properly. We are so distracted in our daily lives, by the radio and the television and the phone , our mobile life line ! When someone else is speaking we are often distracted by what they are saying because our thoughts are racing ahead, formulating our answer. A little silence now and then is a blessed thing.
So the Summit of the Summit ( because that is what this experience in deepest , darkest and very beautiful Wales was called ) is a fire walk. Not a measly hop on and hop off affair to a lot of rah rah rahing but a nice steady walk for some thirty feet across burning, white hot and flickering coals.
No hypnotism and no brain washing takes place. Just some simple instructions and a firm conviction that it is possible. ( That is faith , right there ) So to prepare for the big event ( which takes place by torchlight in the pitch dark of night, very suitably dramatic ) one chooses a phrase for oneself and a mantra to say whilst walking . And that's it ! Lots of people chose as their phrase "cool wet grass ". I tried it on for size, thought about having a stroll across the floor of my oven set at 220 degrees and opted for " FREEZING cold snow ! "
then the Mantra.... some men chose " I can $%£*ing do it ! "
Entirely unnecessary. I just had " I CAN "
And I did. How utterly amazing it was ! And never again will the words " no I can't " trip readily off the tongue. Clearly one can do most anything ! The mind is truly amazing and that is why meditation, in other words, mind training, is such a fantastic practise .
So the point of this recollection is coming ! At the very end of The Summit, it is time to look at the words you have written in your folder through the silent week of trials and tribulation. ( We payed quite a lot to be tortured by the way ! ) and within all those thousands of words lies the truth of who you really are and what you would like your legacy to be when you depart this present incarnation. It is the big question, why am I here ?
It is quite something, this revelation that has poured from your soul.
So a process takes place where you filter and distill all the words and compose and agonise over what you want to say and what will be your very own Definition of Success, although I now call mine my Promise. The precious carefully chosen words which you share proudly with your fellow participants and hold in your heart for ever.
Part of my promise contains the sentence " I will show the world that life is a glamorous and glorious adventure "
And that really is my view of life. But I forgot it a little - just the last couple of years . And now I have remembered so I am back, hoping to inspire maybe just one someone else to have the courage to do the things they want, to try their best to make their dreams come true , to live fully and with joy and energy and optimism.
So whilst I sat in perfect peace and healing silence during this last wonderful retreat , I renewed my Promise to myself and there is no need for any other resolution.
I can't imagine I will need the posh little book again really. Do you want it? There are lots of pages left!
So a couple of weeks later, how does 2012 look ?
Well I am going on another adventure ! I have , since the Summit been Jazrinda in the Himalayas in India ( oh what an adventure that was ! ) and a One Woman Lonely Planet guide to South America on a big orange truck and a tiny tent for 3 months ! This time, next month, I am having a short incarnation as Private Benjamin ! You can read it here !
And I went on a really hot date ! That might not have happened had I not had my sense of adventure firmly in place ! One of my old ladies at the home where I volunteer ( the flirty old lady ) invited me for lunch after Bingo and it turned out to be a double date. There was Barbara and me and Arnold who is almost 90 but very fit and well and Wolfie, also around 90 and a huge flirt!
I had so much fun !
Lovely lunch and great conversation and much laughter. How lovely it is to know happiness in such unexpected ways.
So the adventure continues. What is next I wonder ? Without any sense of attachment to what the answer might be of course !
Watch this space !
I
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