There have been a number of reasons some of which I have been aware of and some of which have now fought their way to the forefront of my consciousness and now here they are.
Some of the reasons for not writing are the usual ones, too lazy is the first! Some frustration in the process is another. I don't like the name I have got, it says nothing at all about who I am or what I want to say. I am not reaching many people and I am not well versed in marketing of any kind , let alone marketing in cyber space ! My ability to sell snow to the Eskimos, as taught to my sister and I by Sid, our Dad , remains unimpaired however !
And I spend quite a lot of time corresponding with friends by email. Which has tons of value in many wonderful ways but is not getting this particular job done !
And then I get onto the more hidden reasons why I don't post and which were crystallised for me this evening when I commented on a post my son Charles had written on his own blog.
He had commented on his own feelings about being criticised and rubbished by a " friend " for what he wrote and shared. And there it all was. Of course I already knew it all on some level. I tend to be a pretty conscious kind of person. But I simply didn't know what to do , how to handle it all.
I hide behind humour. I find being amusing in the written word quite easy . ( Any comedy scripts needed out there anybody ? !!! ) And yes , I can see that I have shared some views and emotions but carefully and sparingly.
Certainly in my "real " life I am very open and not really too afraid to be vulnerable. But in that life, I choose with whom I share very carefully. But in writing here, or anywhere where anybody who cares to look can , one is throwing open the gates to ones very soul ! It all feels kinda dangerous !
And so I have a good third of a book languishing in a drawer. I have reams of words and views and opinions and experience and yes, wisdom which I long to share. I am not sure how much value I can bring to anyone . But if I don't just get on and do it I will never know.
My son says his motivation for his blog is ultimately for it to be one of the tools he can use to make a difference in the world. I believe in that concept wholeheartedly and I too think that if one person feels better, or is inspired to change something that isn't working in their life, or gives rise to some reflection and growth because of something I say, then that would make it all worthwhile.
So that is one part of it for me. Another part, and this is where I am starting to be "brave " is because I think I have some talent as a writer ! And I think that my fairly unique experiences , certainly my very many varied and sometimes unusual experiences, and study and endless reading, have given me many insights and some wisdom. I have learnt a lot of lessons, most of them quite painfully ! But it needn't be so ! One can learn from other people too and perhaps I have got some things to teach?
And so, here I am again. All of these posts are one day going to be transferred to some other place where I feel I can manage and market my offerings more effectively.Until then I am going to begin again and be braver.
Sometimes I long to share some quite profound ( to me ! ) thoughts and feelings but insights and wisdom come mainly as a result of our inter-reactions with others and I worry that some people may feel that they may be recognisable and thus be offended or even feel betrayed. Or else they just don't want to read anything at all that might be about them on an open forum.
So what to do about those ?
I would welcome some comments. Please comment ! But ultimately, I suppose I will just have to make a judgement myself. My purpose is never to hurt, offend or use anyone . But when I wish to write about love or grief or compassion , tolerance, patience, any or all virtues or failings , inevitably I have learnt what I know, or felt what I have felt as a result of a relationship with another person.
So no names ! But this is where I get to be authentic. To try to hone any talent I do have. To have a voice ! To be funny sometimes and to be vulnerable ( and thus brave ! ) and to be very open and honest.
I hope you enjoy, and perhaps I will give YOU some food for thought ! That would be wonderful.
Below is the comment I wrote on Charles's website which gave rise to this new posting of mine and maybe you would like to go read what he has to say which is wonderful stuff and so interesting !It is quite easy to see the "question" he posed from my answer. His blog is called " The Wellbeing Guru " and is easily found on line. If I was a tad cleverer I would provide the link!
If you have read this far. thanks !
Watch out ! I have loads to talk about !
love Jacqui x
MY COMMENT
It can be daunting writing a blog as I know from experience. It gives rise to questions such as how much do I REALLY want to share…… how willing am I to be judged ? …… sharing an experience is one thing, as you will do about your yoga experience in Thailand and as I did when I was in India and S America. Of course your personality, your own opinions and impressions of the experience create a picture of who you are for your reader but you, or your ego who likes to protect you as one of his jobs , takes over, either consciously or unconsciously and edits your words for you, he, your ego, wants you to appear funny and wise and interesting etc etc. He doesn’t want you to open up and show that you are insecure or unsure or afraid….. and so he ( you ) edits out the stuff that perhaps some people will seize upon to use against you in some way or another. But why would they ? Why did this so called “friend ” not support you but instead abused you.
Its not because he is “bad “. It is because he is ignorant and your search for knowledge makes him realise his own superficiality on some level. Probably not a conscious level where it might spur him to question his own life and lack of growth, but in a feeling – where he feels his limitations and thus feels “less than “.
You show by the way you live your life that you are open and free. That will press buttons for many people. They are not free. Not in jail. Just locked into a prison of their own making where even their mind is locked. And they are certainly not open. Not to new ideas, let alone new experiences or up to challenging set behaviours and long held standards and values that have long since not really worked for them or had any relevance. Because deep down they feel unworthy and so their own ego equally wants to protect them by hiding that fact which would make them vulnerable and so then they would feel weak…… and even more of a failure.
For my part , whilst I don’t agree with all of your views, I always find them interesting, sometimes very challenging, sometimes inconsistent but most of all, I find what you do inspiring. I learn and grow as a result of our discussions , I read and explore many things and subjects because you ignite my curiosity.
I think it must be very unusual that the Mother ( me ) is now quite often the pupil but I rejoice in your courage , your curiosity, your intellect and sometimes even your wisdom !
I love that you want to make a difference. What else is there better to do with ones life ?
Please do not ever be deterred by anyone's opinion. Be wise enough to listen to all opinions though because all of them hold lessons for you !
The ones who irritate and prick, they provide an opportunity ! To look deeper. Why should a random insult even register ? There is an opportunity here to be tolerant and to be kind. Most of all to be very compassionate.
Even if your critics and the ones who make fun of you and may deride you, hurt your feelings, send them your love ! From this you will grow and be bigger and better and wiser. That way lies enlightenment and that is where you will find yourself.
