The Seven Deadly Sins

The seven  deadly sins  I am confessing to this month have got nothing to do with coveting my neighbours  Mercedes  or spouse  . I don't even have a proper neighbour . Nor is it anything to do with killing as in thou shalt not murder  ( except for mosquitoes, not that there any in  the shivery North of England in December.  While I am on the subject, can  anyone come up with some really strong reason why one shouldn't whack them or zap  them  ?  I think, with all due respect to  God, that perhaps he was exhausted after Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden and  wasn't thinking clearly the day  he was finishing off the last of  the  Creation . And did Noah really take two of them, Mr and Mrs Mossie  onto  the Ark? So that the species would be saved forever? Why would he !  I think not...... but  that whole Ark thing  is a bigger issue to discuss  than my  December sins.

 Dirty, nasty vindictive little creatures they are . Sorry to harp ! But I so loathe mossies  and think they are useless and not even pretty. Even  flies shine blue and green if you look at them properly. Mosquito's  are small and deadly , giving too many children in third world countries Malaria.  Knowing that children suffer and die puts everything into proportion so  of course one doesn't wish to whinge. But one looks forward to holidays so much and what happens ? You go to bed covered in After Sun looking forward to another day in Paradise when ssuddenly there is a horrid whining  sound in your room and you have to hide under the sheet   even if you are absolutely  sweating  because you  don't want the air con on (  makes a racket and you wake up with a sore throat )  But  hide all you want and the little blighters get you anyway and your holiday becomes one long itch.
I once went on a long walk in a Nature Reserve in South Africa, a place called Oomshlanga Rocks  ( isn't that a GREAT name) . It was raining, fine soaking warm drizzle.
 We stayed out through the dusk and I  returned with approximately  7000 bites give or take  on my legs. More bite than legs and feet. To cut a long story short ( which one should always do when it comes to health stories and also  in reply to " how are you " ! ) I spent the entire night in a bath of freezing cold water , sobbing. And the next day the Hotel got me a doctor who decreed that I had to stay put in Oomshlanga  for several days and have adrenaline shots and shots of something else twice every day till the reaction was better.


So back to the sins. I am not about to murder , steal or dishonour my Mum and Dad. I never would. But that doesn't mean I go without sinning. They say confession is good for the soul and here we are near to new Year and that means Resolutions.....

So here goes. In no particular order !
Number 1 Sin  - PJ's
I have spent way too many days this last few weeks dressed in pyjamas. All day. Day after day. I shower and think , Hmm, what shall I wear. And then put PJ's back on . It has an effect on one's behaviour , this constant wearing of PJ's. As you will see if you read on. Hugh Hefner famously does it too but his are navy blue silk and  he stays in his mansion and plays with his bunnies all day so that's fine.  I have spent days on end not getting dressed .  And to make matters worse, I bought new ones from Sainsbury to loll in. They are a sin in themselves ! Perhaps they should be number 2 ?

Number 2 Sin - Supermarket Pyjamas.
I succumbed to the sin of Temptation. They were 25% off. So only £9 instead of £12. And who can resist a bargain. They are fleecy . I touched them and they were so soft and cosy and I could imagine my body nestled in them ( my cottage is  freezing ) so I popped them in my trolley along with the Daily Mail, Lurpack spreadable butter  and two packs of blueberries for the price of one . The top is bubblegum  pink and a tad shapeless but there is a sweet little bow at the neck and long sleeves. And the bottoms are ( here comes the sin ! ) pink and grey leopard skin ! I have turned into Bet Lynch at Bedtime ! Seeeexxxy !
Not.
I LOVE them ! I am going to sin again next time I go to the supermarket  and get the red and black ones  with reindeer's on the legs.

Number 3 - Very Strange Animals
This is a biggie. I am a Sloth. There are two kinds , one has 3 toes and the other 2 toes,  on each foot. So I am going to be a 2 toe variety and save on pedicures !  That is  a  really silly joke  and this is a really serious sin. Sloths live in trees and move so slowly that they grow algae on their coats. They sleep upside down  in their tree for up to 18 hours a time. They look sweet though. They feed on fruit and buds and leaves and young twigs. I miss out the twigs and have ten toes but otherwise.... I am a Sloth.
Yes, I had the itis's for weeks and then I had The Accident and injured my ass  ( Coccyx which is another fabulous word ! ) and it  HURT  but even I can see that I have developed a condition called Bone Idle.  Algae could be next.

My new Dyson has not seen the carpets for two weeks. Some days the dishes have piled up all day because I was Slothing and didn't empty the dishwasher. I  spotted a cobweb this morning on the chandelier in my bedroom which is mostly where I do the Slothing, dressed in fuzzy pink leopard skin.

I have now confessed and am suitably contrite and very ashamed so probably before too long. I will recover and become once again the semi OCD person who plumps and tidies and dusts way too much.
I am thinking of it like an experiment. How long will it be before it becomes unbearable ? Its good for me not to be too  clean perhaps ?  One doesn't want to be Howard Hughes.  Or Hugh Hefner.  Normally I quite enjoy cleaning things ( poor sad lady ) and even more so since my Buddhist nuns told me what fun it is to purify things!
There is a Mantra one can recite when cleaning and if you recite the Mantra over and over, you yourself are  being purified at the same time as your house is getting spick and spam. Span or spam ? Never mind, you will know what I mean. And then it gets even better , because after  you have done cleaning and chanting, you can dedicate the merits you have earned ( like a prayer that is kind of paid for by doing virtuous deeds  )  to anyone you want !
So cool. 

Number 4  Sin - Treacle Toffees
OH NO !!! This one is my sister's fault entirely. I stole this one  from her a few weeks ago, between the  itis's and before the Ass Incident. I went to her for dinner and since she doesn't like wine and does love toffees I took her some bags of sweeties  and after dinner tried a treacle toffee.  And now there is a permanent bag of them on my bedside table , next to the permanent bag of Pontefract cakes. I eat them pretty much all day and evening while Slothing. I will be fat and very sorry soon.

Number 5 Sin - Wine.
Sauvignon Blanc if I want  white but now its winter, a nice Rioja or Merlot.  This sin is  not too bad. I still stick to the 6pm start time and have just one glass .  Or  occasionally two . It is not the amount that makes it a sin. It is the amount of  pleasure ! Mmmmm, I think at 10 to 6. Its wine time and a bag of Walkers. Me and Gary Lineker are twin souls ! Plain only.  Prawn Cocktail would be another sin!

Number 6 Sin  - Tea
This time it is not the substance , it is the quantity. I am single handedly keeping Sri Lanka's economy afloat.   Because of the Ass Incident  ( it is not fun climbing stairs at the moment ) my cute  little travel kettle has come to live upstairs in my bathroom. Along with a mug that says " I love sex and chocolate " on it and a spoon and a little Tupperware box of tea bags ( decaf and Peppermint and Green  ) and some little packets of 40 cal instant hot chocolate. So now you are getting the picture of how I turned into a creature that doesn't move far from her tree  for 18 hours a day !

Number 7  Sin -  Daytime television
GMTV is back in favour  in Car Park Cottage,  now that dreadful grumpy Adrian Chiles and Giggling Christine Bleakley with all her teeth ,  have got the chop. I contributed to their dismissal by switching to the BBC  when they pushed lovely Kate Garroway off the sofa to make way for  them. Now Kate is back so I have returned to ITV.
 Oh the  Power ! After GMTV  comes Lorraine. How can one start the day without Lorraine and her cleavage and och ayes !  In her segment  there is the latest news direct from Hollywood , an interesting guest with a book or album to plug  and then a delicious recipe ! Sometimes Mark who is gay has a fashion segment which is excellent as they use side 16 models. This might come in useful if I don't curb the treacle toffees.
Jeremy Kyle comes next but he is never allowed to bring his horrible energy into my home ! All that shouting and DNA tests and lie  detector tests. Huge fat unhealthy looking girls who think that there might be one of four possible fathers for their poor little baby. And the fathers !  Puny youths with tattoos and earrings and trainers. Never a shoe to be seen. And Jeremy yells at them WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT SOMETHING ON IT THEN
Oh no, I would never watch Jeremy Kyle.

And so it goes on. This Morning at 11am  with pretty Holly and prematurely grey Phillip and then the Loose Ladies. I adore them, especially Janet Street Porter. I admire her so much ! So opinionated and informed and so intelligent and unafraid and honest ! I love naughty Denise Welch too, such fun!  She loves what she calls rumpy pumpy ( sex to you and me )  and is  so open and candid about her life. Carol is great too with her toy boy fiance . Hurrah for her and for Joan Collins !
I want to be a Loose Woman almost as much as I want to partner Artem on Strictly Come Dancing.

ps I want to also confess to the 8 chocolate eclairs filled with fresh whipped cream and coated with milk chocolate. They are nearly all gone now.